Every now an then my daughter says thing that are unmistakably recognizable as A) not her own words B) definitely exactly what Mr. M. would say.
His strategy is, of course: Complete denial. He counts on the fact that she is too young to defend her words or to properly explain where she heard it. So he insist the he would never say such a thing, never has and that she probably heard it at kindergarten.
That is why I am unable to confront him about anything that happens under his watch. F.e. the Easter thing I told you about.
It is so, so sad that he does not understand what he is doing to her. One very hurtful incident happened a few month ago: My little daughter had discovered the theme of death and dying along with a few other little friends. So she asked a lot about death and that old people die and that her great-grandparents would die soon and so on. So what can you do? You try to explain it to her, you try to talk about death and you tell a four year old that if her great-grandmother dies she will go to heaven and be very happy living with god. Or something like that. You tell this to a small child because it gives her nice picture and because it puts her mind at ease. Please nod if you agree. Of course you can also choose to not tell her that and confront her with reality of rotting bodies and that death is the end of all things etc. I prefer to keep things like that for when she is older.
Okay so naturally she also talks about that when she is with Mr. M. Guess what she had to say when she came home from him?
She told me that if you die you get „stuck into earth“. And believe me, she was not happy with this image in her head!!
And do you know why he says that to a child? Because he wants to prove the point that he does not believe in god. Sadly enough he does not understand that I don’t care about that and that the only thing he proves is that he does not have a glimpse of empathy within him.
No, he never said that of course.
Once I was holding the phone when he facetimed with my daughter and again she started talking about dying (I do not remember the details) and he got really angry and brushed her of: „I told you I don’t want to talk about that anymore!!“
Very helpful, yes very very helpful.
Also she tells me that she is constantly watching TV when she is with him (because she knows absolutely every program by heart and she did not learn that at home) and that he has not time to play with her because he has to „work“. She would never use this expression on her own. „Dad had no time to play, he had to work“. (In reality he played on his computer, he has nothing to work on at home for so many hours, not even if he would be typing with only one finger.)
Since the day she started to spend time alone with him she has a Pavlovian response to the Mc Donald’s sign.
When she comes home and I brush her teeth properly she says to me after 20 seconds that we are finished. When I tell her we have to brush longer she says: „Let’s make an exception.“
I never said that and no other sane grown up I know would say that to her so I know exactly where this is coming from and we all know it is not just one exception, it’s what he does on a regular basis.
BTW: He is not brushing his teeth regularly. I had to tell him a thousand times to please go an brush his teeth before bed. That is how I know even more steadfast that he is doing this with his child, too.
If I ask him that never happened – naturally.
Another very interesting question was: „Mummy, can we eat in front of the TV, too?“
Sorry, she learnd that at kindergarten, I know! Where else?!
Once she told my mother, „Mumy does not know how to treat children properly“. A four year old would never ever think of that by herself and the whole sentence is definitely not from another child.
He never said anything like that – naturally.