There are days I get sad.
Sometimes I even feel betrayed, like someone took something that could have been a beautiful time in my life, away from me. There are days I see pregnant women with their partner and parents with their child and I want to cry.
I know, countless women out there do not have a beautiful time being pregnant and do not have a partner to be there. I know thousands of mothers have it worse than I do and yet, I wish it would have been different.
Being pregnant and having a child is something life altering in my mind and I wanted it to be special and beautiful.
Well not being special like getting a dozen roses every day or a diamond ring no, but I wanted to feel loved and appreciated or I wanted it to be acknowledge that my body was doing something incredible. Special for us because, we did that. What I did was going on to function and be there. Does that make any sense to you? In my mind it does.
At that time I did not even feel it that strong but in retrospective and knowing that this experience is lost forever and will never come back for me makes it worse.
The same happened when our child was born. I was there and I function I automatically did everything that had to be done but I was not given anything. I was not given any kind of acknowledgement of what had happened, I wasn’t given any support not emotionally and not practically.
Nothing bad was done to me but nothing good either. I was merely there and my little baby, too. We were present.
Yes I especially feel that way when I see couples on the street that give me the impression of having what I never had, when I see fathers with their children.
The other day I saw a video of a 105 year old great grandfather who was able to hold his 5 days old great grandchild. I cried so hard. This old man knew how incredibly lucky he was to be able to hold this little baby in his arms he was so amazed and in awe to be able to touch this tiny new girl. He could not stop to touch her cheek and hold her and caress her. And I was too, 4 years ago, I felt like that. I was in awe seeing this little baby but I was alone in this realization.
Of course I do not believe this kind of feeling has to be there all the time and that I want my husband to be constantly in awe just because we had a baby. I hope what I am trying to say comes through a little. I feel like I lost something that will never come back.