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Flashback

The other day I was in my car in the vicinity of the hospital my new born had spent a few days in intensive care before we had been allowed to go home. An Ambulance rushed by and I had to think of the day my daughter and I had been relocated in an Ambulance from the clinic I had given birth in, to the aforementioned hospital.

The first three days I spent with my baby in the hospital she was born in. After a very spontaneous and surprising birth and a small surgery for me I found my preemie in an intensive care bed with a needle in her hand that was bigger that her fingers and many wires attached to her body. She was healthy and fine, yes, but still…

I spent every minute next to her bed, kangarooing. You find yourself in a bubble there. Far away from loud noises, everyone is very quiet and the nurses are there 24/7 taking care of the babies and their mothers. They are always with you and show you how to feed your baby, help you to start breastfeeding, see to it that the baby has enough food and so on. It was a rather small ICU only a few beds, cozy chairs and all.

On the third day the doctors told me that technically I was able to leave the hospital. (Me, not my child). But if I told him that I was still feeling unwell *wink* I could stay for another two days. So, that’s what I did and I was very happy that they did that and went back to cuddle my baby.

Unfortunately, only a few minutes later I was informed that my daughter would have to be moved to another hospital because there are too many premature babies on their way and they do not have enough beds. They would move her tomorrow.

I was sad to her that but tomorrow was okay. I would have a little time to get used to the thought and to arrange my final exam and pack my stuff. So it wasn’t necessary to stay any longer if my child wouldn’t be there. Yes, that was plan. Mr. M. was there, too when they told me that. I was a little disappointed that I would have to leave my current bubble but well, it would be okay.

About an hour later they suddenly informed me that she would be moved today and that the Ambulance was already informed and would arrive for my baby in about one hour. Wtf?

I was devastated. Now I had to rush off and try to get my final exam asap, I had to clear my room and I had to get ready to with her in the Ambulance. I wanted to go with her her but it was my problem, to get ready in time. In the meantime half my family had arrived and wanted to visit us.

Maybe that does not soun dlike a big deal if I describe it today and maybe it’s time for the „you cannot understand if you haven’t been there card“. You have to take my word for it if I say that you are in a really vulnerable state. I stood there and started crying.

Mr. M. was there too. I stood in front of him and started crying.

I am not even able to remember the details but I can remember the feeling of once again getting no helpful reaction from my husband. I remember the feeling of having no support, of getting no reaction. No help. Something like: Okay darling, I am going to take care of your room and the family, you go and get your exam. Or okay, I’ll come with you and we organize everything. Something.

Yes, I remember the feeling of being lost in front of my husband and that he did not even understand what the problem was.

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