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The End of the Rope

I don’t remember exactly when I decided I had enough but it was the beginning 2015. Inwardly I had finally reached the decision to make it indisputable that I did not intend to go on like this and to make it unmistakably clear that I was prepared to break up and end this marriage.

It took me a long while but when I had reached the point to end this farce of a family, if necessary, it wanted out! It clamored inside of me ready to explode. So I announced that I wanted to talk to him. That night. He came home very late and it did not come to it. We postponed until the next evening. In the afternoon he told me he had to go to Austria for filming and he did not know when he would be back.

I was so pissed and finally decided to write him an Email! Fuck him, if he was not able to talk to me despite knowing very well it had to be serious – not even he can possibly be that obtuse – then he maybe he was able to read. I did not save the Email . I did not have a long term plan writing about it later and honestly I still thought this was reconcilable. In short, I told him in writing basically everything you know to this point and that I was not willing to stay married if his behavior would not change significantly and immediately. Since I did not get an appointment to talk to him I write now. The details of his answer slipped my mind but when he came home he finally sat down and „talked“ to me.

What I can tell you about Mr. M – and I am not the only one who had this experience – during a conversation he really, really gives you the impression that he does understand what you are talking about and that he totally takes your side seriously. You really think that.

But the next day he just behaves and does exactly the same as always which makes you even more frustrated because you keep asking yourself whom you had a conversation with the day before.

In one sentence: Nothing changed.

Finally I knew that I had to end this! What I also knew was that I needed a job and money which meant I needed a Kindergarden for my child.

So the next steps where, prepare to life alone. Application time for Kindergarden had thankfully arrived anyhow so I applied to about 16 Kindergardens and waited. Weeks later I got a letter with denials from all the municipal Kindergardens and the private ones also denied. I was at the end of my rope! How should I provide a living when I was not able to work regularly?

There was one Kindergarden, very close to my house which I liked very much and I was desperate enough to go there and tell the young woman who managed the Kindergarden about my situation and that I was going to leave my husband and needed a job etc. In short I told her my sob story to be granted a spot there.

Months after my first announcement to Mr. M. and more suffering through our shitty relationship I was informed that I can send my daughter to Kindergarten beginning in November 2015.

That was the moment I told Mr. M. that I was done with this marriage and that I was done being undermined and disregarded.

Obviously the seriousness of the situation had not seeped in before – which again says a lot about how little he regarded me – and he suddenly seemed kind of desperate and suggested that we go and see a therapist. Well actually the therapist was a friend of ours (more of me) but he wanted to go there. Okay, you do not throw away 10 years of marriage and you have a child with him and you want to be able to tell yourself that you did try everything, if that’s all it was worth in the end.

Our therapist suggested that Mr. M. should move out for at least three month. Immediately.  (Yes, she was a friend of mine and of course she knew what was going on, because we talked about my situation. But Mr. M. knew exactly that she was a very good friend of mine so he knew she was biased to a certain degree. He wanted to see her nonetheless. We both trusted her to be professional enough to work with us.)

I don’t want to bore you with our therapy. Maybe just a quick Summary.

Mr. M. moved out. Since he was not at home most of the time anyhow we told our daughter Daddy is at work.

What happened with me?

First it became obvious for me, that my life did not change the slightest without him. I mean, it had no effect on my daily routine, my workload or anything I did everyday. This was the final proof that I already lived alone. After three months he came back and it went ok for a while but in the end nothing changed. Even our therapist said, that all the issues I am having are nonexistent to him. He does not see it and most of all, he does not feel it. He was probably still wondering what I was talking about and what the problem was. A few weeks before Christmas it was obvious that this relationship was dead.

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