We reached a point where Mr. M. would spent his evenings completely in front of his computer and I watched TV in the living room. As soon as I left for bed he would change to the TV (he tells it the other way round of course – me leaving intentionally when he wanted to „join“ me. I can only tell you the he switched off the computer when I was already in the bathroom, so I am sure that was just a coincidence).
Whatever the truth we most definitely did not talk much. Yes, I admit for a very long time I just waited, waited for him to finally admit that something was very,very wrong here. To say something, to address the elephant in the room. Yes I know, for the beholder it must seem very stupid. Why did I not say anything? Why did I not tell him earlier that I did not want to live like this anymore.
I still don’t know exactly why, I only know part of it. A large part of it was that I was speechless in the face of events, I was not able to find any explanation for his behavior. The fact that all the things that happened here were so far from my concept of living and thinking and feeling stymied me into silence. I know that deep down I wanted him to speak up for once, to acknowledge that something fucked up was happening here.
Nothing happened! He seemed willing and able to exist next to me without talking on single word for days.
Which frustrated me even more, I started smoking again because the tension was killing me, a tension he did not even seem to feel.
I think he once or twice made the halfhearted attempt to talk, by asking me if something was wrong! This infuriated me even more. How dare he ask me if something was wrong after not talking for days? How dare he ask me that question when obviously so many things where so very wrong?
Maybe I was too stubborn or too proud or just too hurt but that was not the right level of conversation to even start with.
I had talked for month, I had uttered my issues, I did not endure all this shit in silence, I spoke up, I explained and yes I raised complains- everything fell on deaf ears- only then I withdrew to silence.
He played along and watched me suffocate on it.