Since I started this blog I checked my calendars to see what I had written down during the last 4 years.
One of the most disappointing and humiliating things Mr. M. did to me was to give me the unceasing feeling of being lazy, the unspoken and ever present blame of not working and spending his money. He made me ask for money and emphasized every single day: „Daddy has to go to W-O-R-K, Daddy has to go and earn M-O-N-E-Y“.From the very first day I had given birth.
Imagine what my calendars told me? Even if you go along with his opinion and even if you consider the mother of a new born child as lazy – it is not true that I did not do anything. Yes I did work considerably less than before but I did got to film interviews and I did take care of the new office and I did help from home.
I even had a time when I tried to go to the office as often as possible and my mum would watch my baby.
I remember that, I also remember that I went home again when it was clear that nothing would happen that day. Yes, I went home to my baby! Mr. M. of course did not leave the office. Always very, very busy to sit in front of the computer. Yes I know, he had to write invoices! Of course. I know it can take up to 7 hours daily to write all the invoices… maybe if you firm is called Apple.
Yes, I did not make enough money to really make a difference in our finances but I was not lazy workwise. Why do I even think this I had a baby! I did not buy a puppy, I had a child!
Does he even realize that I covered him and his work schedule completely? He would not have been able to work the way he did if I would not have been willing to cover everything. I was so used to our line of work and the fact that you have to be ready at all times that I did not resent him for leaving the hospital right after I gave birth or for not taking us home. I organized my entire life with my child without relying on him in any way, I called my mother when I was sick, I called my mother when I had an appointment, I called my mother when I wanted to go out a few time. Because I knew and accepted that my own husband would not be there, or would not be able to tell me if he could be there.
I covered all that and for a very long time, even defended him.
There are people out there who still believe that this behavior is normal and necessary! Let me tell you: It is not. Let me also emphasize that I did not expect much, I did not. It would have been absolutely enough if he had taken maybe three days a month where he had just made sure to not work or days in our life where his presence would have been necessary or even only nice. There are not so many days where you are absolutely needed and just have to say: „I am sorry I cannot take the job today“.
He went to work on our daughter’s first Christmas!!
He left us alone at New Year’s Eve!!
He went to work the 2 days his parents visited!
I am on the verge of tears while remembering that, I still am.
Funny thing: I told you that one day he decided to work out again and join a gym. He went there at all costs, added that to his absence from home and even dragged us all into it by setting his alarm clock to 5 in the morning (sometimes even earlier). One day he really had the nerve to tell me that I should do sports, too! I should go and get some exercise, maybe then I would feel better! Yes, because YOU would totally help me to find only 5 minutes alone to have some exercise!