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The needs of the ONE

Closer to the end of our relationship Mr. M decided he wants to work out again. He decided to go there early in the morning before work or better – before it would be likely to be called to work.

He got up at around 5 in the morning, sometimes even earlier. The problem with this plan: Every single time, 3 times a week, he woke the baby and me and 5 in the morning by doing so.

My daughter used to always wake up from his alarm clock and cry or of course, like toddlers do, she left the bed and wanted to go after her father. 

He went to the bathroom and closed the door to get ready, he did not let her in and she sat there in front of the bathroom door and cried. It didn’t bother him. „Daddy has to get ready“ (!!!!!!)

He really did that! Three times a week!

Once I begged him to get up a little later, to wait maybe until our girl would wake up. That was usually around 6 anyhow, so still very early and if she wakes up without the alarm clock she would not be that disoriented and surprised or to sleep in the other room when he wanted to get up that early!! No, he did not sleep in the other room, he went on like this. Waking both of us at an ungodly our, making the baby cry because she wanted his attention and caring for nothing but himself. (Oh my god I am still so furious when I write this)

Something inevitably happened with our little daughter, if you have any kind of psychological understanding. She became extremely fixated on him. The mechanism is very easy: You crave what you cannot have! Since he was never there for her she had an unstable longing for her father. Of course he would argue that, would never believe or acknowledge that but he was not even there for her if he was present. He never gave her real time, there was always something more important or more interesting. She never was his sole focus and she missed him constantly even when he was physically there.

I recognized the pattern as did one of my best friend a psychologist….and also the child psychologist I saw when we separated immediately diagnosed this. When we started seeing her Mr. M was still in our flat and she could not believe how much my daughter missed a father although he lived with her.

There came a time when all my disappointment just became too much. I kind of accept that I don’t have a husband who cares for me and that I did not have a man who was able to act as a father but I never was able to understand how that was even possible. We entered a phase where I did not speak to him for days, because I was so hurt and disappointed.

The fact that he did not even acknowledge that, he pretended to not even notice that something was very wrong, only made me even sadder and also resentful. He just joined me in my silence and spent his evening in front of his computer or the TV. For weeks he did not ask me anything or even give me the feeling that he knew something went wrong. He just lived there in the same flat, lived his life and was okay with not talking one single word.

 

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